Never Got a ROLLIE AWARD: Macys Parade, installment #2

That is me with the Sash

That is me with Alex Walko

Me and my bitches-- I mean Clowns

Me, Alex, and Amy

Given that tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day, I want to share my memories of my Thanksgiving Holidays during the 1990's. No, I am not going to write about Turkey, stuffing, family............

You see, I was a parade captain in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade for several years. When I resigned from my position at Macy's, I had to give it a serious consideration because of the fact that I would be giving up this privilege. If you put in 6 consecutive years as a parade captain, you receive a ROLLIE AWARD at the annual dinner. The Rollie Award, named for Roland H. Macy, is Macy's version of an Oscar, but the statue is of a clown's head (natch). Because my years as a captain were NOT consecutive (I left Macy's to work for Godiva for one year), I never qualified for a Rollie, BITTER!!!!

The first year I was a captain, I was a clown captain (as opposed to Balloon or float captain). You have to pay your dues: The more seniority you have in the parade, the earlier in the line up you are. Thus, you arrive home earlier than the rest of the participants. Being a rookie, I was in the very last group of clowns, situated in front of Santa Claus.

I was dressed as a traditional clown, with make up and the suit, the whole gig. There was nothing special about my clown group: we didn't have a theme, we weren't on roller skates, and there was no specific activity that needed assigned to us: Wave, entertain, and get to 34th street.

Here was the routine: Arrive in Brooklyn at 4 am to suit up, costume, make up, etc. Bus to 79th street, Wait to march, March to 34th Street, Bus back to brooklyn, then drive in traffic back to CT to see my family.....

Because this is a blog, and I am trying to keep it short, here are my thoughts:

(1) It was EFFING cold out, really EFFING COLD! Screw you Al Roker in your cashmere coat and hat! I am EFFING COLD, get this shit started! He stood there and YUCKED it up, while I froze my ass off.

(2) Being by Santa SUCKS: You have to stand in the staging area on 79th street for 4 HOURS before you start marching! You stage at 6 am, then march at 10 AM, That sucks!

(3) Did I mention, being by Santa SUCKS!!!??? The kids are so OVER clowns at that point, they only cared about Santa, what was my purpose?

(4) Ok, did I mention that being by Santa SUCKS??!!! His float plays Here Come's Santa Claus (the song), some 50's version pre-recorded, and it's on a loop. That's right, I got to listen to Jingle Bells for 4 straight hours!

(5) Oh wait, did I tell you? Being near Santa Sucks......Because you are at the end of the Parade, you have to stop, start, stop, start, stop.....All those Routines down on 34th street actually stop the rest of the parade.....did I mention, it was FREEZING COLD????

(6) Being a clown had a funny side, I never realized......kids HATE clowns, really hate them! Whenever the parade would stop, I would go to the onlookers to wave, say hello, etc, and when I would get near any child under 5, they would immediately scream and cry! Since I was a little batty from being up at 3 AM, and hearing Santa's Song for hours, This became cruelly entertaining, and funny to me.......there, I said it, I confess, I became a little bit of that evil clown that terrorizes you in your dreams. I didn't act evil or anything, but my mere presence scared the shit out of kids, and it was funny!

Did I have the time of my life?? YOU KNOW IT!! BEING A MACYS PARADE CAPTAIN RULES! That is why I did it 5 more times after this year, but you will have to wait for those stories (which get very funny) because I need to save my material.......Check out my blog from October 18th, Popped Wild THing......